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How to Fall in Love

By Shlomo Maital  

       One of my favorite podcasts is Hidden Brain, led by Shankar Vedante.  This week, the topic is …the psychology of falling in love.  How does it happen?

       Psychologist Arthur Aron, SUNY at Stony Brook, has researched the subject for many years.  He often writes with his wife Elaine.  One of his most famous studies is the iconic “shaky bridge” study..

          A rather good-looking female researcher in Vancouver, B.C., positions herself, first, in the middle of a rather shaky, dangerous suspension bridge crossing a river, and then, on a sturdy, conventional bridge nearby.   She approaches male subjects crossing each  bridge, asks if they will respond to some questions, then, says, Please, will you call me so I can do a follow-up?

             Far more men call her later, if they had met her on the shaky bridge, than those who met her on the sturdy bridge. Why?   The shaky bridge arouses a center in our brains associated with strong emotion (love, fear) that generates dopamine, a neurotransmitter that “signals the perceived motivational prominence (i.e., the desirability or aversiveness) of an outcome, which in turn propels the organism’s behavior toward or away from achieving that outcome.” 

         Desirability of an outcome?  Uh… love?  

      Another of his famous studies is this one:  A man and a woman enter the lab through separate doors.  They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions (Based in part on the famous Aron 36 questions, see below).  They they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes.

      Six months later, the two participants were married.  They invited the entire lab to the ceremony.

       Here is a summary of Aron’s main findings about love, provided by Google’s  Gemini AI:

       “Arthur Aron’s research highlights the significance of self-expansion, closeness, and vulnerability in fostering romantic love. He found that sharing novel and challenging experiences can create feelings of connection and accelerate intimacy. His “36 Questions That Lead to Love” study demonstrates how structured, mutual self-disclosure can rapidly increase closeness and even spark romantic feelings. Aron’s work suggests that love is not just about attraction, but also about actively building a shared sense of identity and mutual understanding.”

         My wife and I have been happily married for almost 58 years.  Personally, I think Aron got it right. 

        How about you? 

Set I

1.         Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2.         Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3.         Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4.         What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5.         When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6.         If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7.         Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8.         Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9.         For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10.       If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11.       Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12.       If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13.       If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14.       Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15.       What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16.       What do you value most in a friendship?

17.       What is your most treasured memory?

18.       What is your most terrible memory?

19.       If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20.       What does friendship mean to you?

21.       What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22.       Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23.       How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24.       How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25.       Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

26.       Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

27.       If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28.       Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29.       Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30.       When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31.       Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32.       What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33.       If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34.       Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35.       Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36.       Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen